January

rude slang Extremely cold. Ugh, the winters here are cold as a well digger's ass—that's why I'm moving to Florida. Ack, don't touch me! Your hands are as cold as a well digger's ass in January!

Extremely cold. Ugh, the winters here are cold as a well digger's feet—that's why I'm moving to Florida. Ack, don't touch me! Your hands are as cold as a well digger's feet in January!

Exceptionally slow or sluggish; not fast at all. (The addition of "January," which is among the coldest months in the Northern Hemisphere, serves to intensify the meaning, as molasses is especially viscous in the cold.) This old laptop my dad gave me takes forever booting up, and then it's as slow as molasses in January the whole time I use it! Come on, Becky, you're slow as molasses in January back there! Pick up the pace and keep up with the group.

Exceptionally slow or sluggish; not fast at all. This old laptop my dad gave me is a piece of junk. It's slower than molasses in January! Come on, Becky, you're slower than molasses in January back there! Pick up the pace and keep up with the group.

Rur. Something will never happen. (There are fewer hours of daylight in January.) Tom: Maybe this will be the year that Mama treats herself to a nice vacation. Jane: Are you kidding? It'll be a long day in January when she does that! It'll be a long day in January when that car dealer gives an honest price.

very slow-moving. (*Also: as ~.) Can't you get dressed any faster? I declare, you're as slow as molasses in January. The traffic on the way to the concert was slower than molasses in January.

A marriage between a young and a much older individual. This disparity was called January and May by Chaucer, January standing for the hoary frosts of old age and May for the young breath of spring. In Chaucer’s The Merchant’s Tale the young girl, May, marries January, a baron aged sixty. This fourteenth-century idea was transformed into December and May by the early 1600s (although January and May survived as well). December, of course, is not only cold but also comes at the end of the calendar year and so may provide a better analogy for late in life. “You doe wrong to Time, enforcing May to embrace December,” wrote Thomas Dekker (The Seven Deadly Sinnes of London, 1606).

Extremely dilatory. This simile is American in origin, dates from the midor late nineteenth century, and is a vivid one for anyone who has ever tried to pour cold molasses from one container into another. “He’s slower than molasses,” wrote J. W. McAndrews (Monologue, ca. 1880).